What Animal Are You?
by afinemess5
Summary: Fran, CC, and Niles take a personality test.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story, nor do I own the quiz they take. That can be found at . The credit for explanations of the animal types goes to them and they can be found on that site as well.]

[A/N: Thanks to a recent personality type post on Tumblr, Kate and I came up with the idea for this fic. She also came up with the title. (But really, what would _you_ have called this story?)]

What Animal Are You?

Tapping a pen against her bottom teeth, Fran leaned over the kitchen table. She furrowed her brow and didn't notice when a bouncy brown curl fell against her forehead, bobbing a few moments before it stilled.

"Coffee, Miss Fine?" Niles asked as he entered the kitchen from the back staircase. He slid his red apron over his head and absentmindedly tied it, accustomed to the gesture. He glanced over questioningly at the nanny then rolled his eyes when he saw what she was doing. Shaking his head, he flipped on the coffee machine and waited for it to brew.

"Nanny Fine, the children are wandering the house aimlessly. Can't you corral them somewhere else?" CC asked, pushing into the kitchen through the swinging door with an empty mug in hand.

"Well, _now_ she can, since your pen is empty," Niles responded quickly.

CC pointedly ignored him and looked at Fran much the same way Niles just had. Then she nodded knowingly. "I should've known. Can't multi-task."

"We don't all have eight legs and dozens of eyes like you," Niles tossed over, smiling to himself.

CC spared him a withering look before leaning against the island and setting her mug atop it, waiting for the coffee with the butler.

"I heard that," Fran mumbled.

"She's alive!" Niles quipped. "Coffee, Miss Fine?" He saw her brunette-crowned head nod, so he swept the carafe out of the machine and filled her mug. After he returned to the island, he filled his mug and set the carafe back in the machine, leaning against the counter and sighing contently with his coffee.

CC glared at him and grabbed the carafe roughly, sloshing scalding liquid onto the floor. Niles jumped in spite of himself, checking to make sure she hadn't been burned by the hot coffee, before returning her glare and grabbing a sponge from the sink. CC smiled happily and filled her mug. Niles handed her the creamer and hunched over, sopping up the spill. She added a splash to Niles's mug and her own, seamlessly returning the creamer to him by the time he straightened up.

Niles glanced into his mug and smiled when he saw the cream swirling. He even considered thanking CC and she must have seen an echo of this in his face, for she turned away from him slightly and focused on Fran instead.

"Nanny Fine, what are you working on so intently?"

Fran straightened her spine and stretched, very much the image of an overworked individual. "A quiz," she responded, her tone serious.

"A quiz," CC repeated, setting her coffee on the counter.

"Hey!" Fran brightened, spinning in her seat.

"No."

"No what?"

"I'm not taking the quiz, too," CC replied.

"What am I, chopped liver?" asked Niles, never one to be ignored.

"Why not?" Fran whined. " _Everyone_ at the salon was raving about it. It's supposed to reveal so much about you! Ma's friend, Sheila, quit her job because of what she got in the quiz, found a new job, and makes twice as much now!"

"Really?" CC asked, her interest unwittingly piqued.

"Yeah! She found a McDonald's with _much_ more foot traffic and she makes at least 100 hamburgers an hour now."

CC stared at her balefully and wondered, for the millionth time, why Maxwell didn't invest in an office with premises far, far from here.

"Come on, Miss Babcock. I know you aren't busy. Mr. Sheffield is on his second word search of the day," Fran pointed out. She pushed the adjacent chair out from under the table with her foot and beckoned to it. "This could _reinvent_ your life."

CC glanced over at Niles, pouting in the corner undoubtedly because he felt left out, and figured her life could use some reinventing. She grabbed her coffee and sat down in the proffered chair.

"Niles, come on, take the quiz with us," Fran said, turning back to face the table and gesturing to Niles over her shoulder.

Silence greeted her request.

"For God's sake, Hazel, stop pouting," CC snapped.

While other men may have scampered off at the blonde's tone, it had the exact opposite effect on the butler. As though an invisible word lasso had snared him, Niles walked over to the table and sat on the other side of Fran. "Fine," he said, taking a seemingly nonchalant sip of his own coffee.

"Ok, let's go back to the beginning," Fran said, flipping to the previous page. She grabbed an empty envelope and drew three columns, writing "Fran," "CC," and "Niles" at the top of each.

Niles peered curiously at the top of the magazine's page and read aloud, "What animal are you?"

"What _animal_ are you?" CC repeated, undoubtedly imagining the many insults Niles would sling her way throughout the course of this quiz. "Oh, for fu—"

"Now hold on!" Fran exclaimed. "It's a good quiz! It was written by a psychologist who consulted a zoologist and ya know, _many_ cultures believe in spirit animals and it's downright offensive that you would—"

"Oh, ignore Miss Babcock. She's just angry because we already know she'll get woolly mammoth."

"Says the sloth in a cardigan," CC snapped. She stayed in her seat, though, likely figuring that _she_ could get a few insults in, too.

"Ok. Now remember that you have to answer these questions honestly," Fran reminded. The two blondes nodded earnestly. Fran cleared her throat, clearly relishing the attention. "Question 1. What size are you? A. Small and trim, b. average size, c. above average size, or d. extra large." Fran reached over and wrote "a" under her column. She glanced between CC and Niles expectantly.

CC looked over at Niles and saw his eyes alight with such excitement that her stomach drooped unpleasantly. "I'm out."

"No!" Fran whined. CC grimaced at the sound. She eyed CC up and down slowly. "I'd say above average for you, Miss Babcock."

"What!"

"You're very tall and shapely!" Fran explained, writing a "C" for CC. She glanced over at Niles. He puffed out his chest and sat up at straight as his spine would allow. Fran put her pen to paper once more and said, "Average."

"Average!" Niles yelped indignantly. "Jack's Beanstalk over there is nearly as tall as me and she got above average!"

"Well, yeah, for a woman, she's above average and for a man, you're average."

"Well below average, I'd wager," CC quipped.

Fran shook her head, already regretting inviting them to take the quiz. "Question 2. What is your aggression level? A. submissive and prefers not to compete, b. low key and sensitive, c. somewhat assertive but usually accommodating, d. strong-willed and assertive, or e. extremely assertive and competitive." She wrote a curly "C" under her column and then turned to CC, who looked deep in thought.

"Well," CC said at Fran's impatient poke, "what kind of aggression are we talking about? Because if it's professional, it's one thing, but sexual aggression is another."

Fran's eyes widened in slight alarm while Niles's widened in interest.

"Tell us more about that, Miss Babcock," Niles said at the same time Fran replied, "How about just in general?"

CC sighed, still in thought, and then nodded. "You know what, it's the same for both. E."

Fran slowly wrote down "E" for CC, her head shaking slightly, while Niles appeared to consider CC in a whole new light. "Ok, Niles, how about you?"

Niles cocked his head and said, "Well, I try not to intimidate others too much with my raw aggression—"

CC burst into laughter and managed to snort in derision at the same time. "Oh please. This from the man who had Fran call the A&P when they overcharged you for a tomato by 25 cents?"

"It's hard to understand my British accent over the phone!" Niles protested.

"I heard you say that you noticed they overcharged you _at_ the store. Where was this 'raw aggression' then?" CC wanted to know.

"Enough!" Fran exclaimed. She turned to Niles and placed a placating hand on his shoulder. "Niles. My great friend. I love you, sweetie. But you really are pretty sub—" Fran took her hand away when she saw him glowering. "Ok. Low key and sensitive? Women love a sensitive guy."

CC snorted again. "Yeah, to wash their underwear."

"It's the only way a man ever sees yours!" Niles snapped, leaning forward so he could see CC.

" _Anyway_ ," Fran interrupted again, marking down a "B" for Niles. "Ok. Question 3. How social are you? A. self-contained and keep mainly to yourself and family, b. prefer the company of small groups of friends, c. popular and outgoing and enjoy socializing, or d. extremely outgoing with a wide circle of friends." The nanny marked down "D" for herself and then turned to CC.

"Is there another option? Mark down E, involuntary social recluse for the Abominable Babcock," Niles inserted. Fran rubbed her forehead and wistfully recalled when she'd considered taking the quiz upstairs in bed. What a simpler, quieter time.

"Great idea, Niles. But for you, I really think you should mark down A," CC replied, leaning forward to read the responses. "Oh, no, wait—it says keep mainly to yourself and family, but I think they mean _your_ family, and not someone else's who you're paid less than minimum wage to sweep up after. Bad luck, Niles."

"I think you're _both_ A," Fran interrupted fiercely.

"We are not," CC and Niles protested in unison. He stood and grabbed the carafe again, muttering about Fran's rudeness as CC held her empty mug in the air, nodding in agreement to whatever Niles said.

Fran wrote down "A" for both of them and moved on to the next question. "Question 4. How attractive are you? A. plain looking and nothing striking, b. average-looking with some nice attributes, c. good-looking and sexy with strong features, or d. very attractive and turns heads." For the first time, Fran paused before writing down her response. All three looked at each other sheepishly.

"Write down 'D' for yourself, Miss Fine," Niles told her encouragingly.

CC glanced over jealously. "Yes, I suppose you're some men's types."

Mollified, Fran wrote down "D" in her column and then turned to CC, who stood to grab the creamer. She didn't extend Niles the same courtesy and only poured it for herself this time.

The butler glanced over at CC, noticing how her pencil skirt hugged her curves and accentuated her bum. He took a steadying breath and thanked God that she wasn't facing them; it was sinful how phenomenal her breasts looked in the silk camisole beneath her fitted blazer.

Yet despite these observations, almost clinical in their thoroughness, Niles still sniffed and remarked, "I guess you're a B, Miss Babcock."

CC bristled and whipped around. Niles almost groaned at the movement but still didn't look away from her décolletage. "Then I suppose the best response for you would be A, Niles, even though it isn't entirely accurate. There's nothing striking your face…yet."

"I'm not plain!"

"Whatever you say, Butler, Plain and Fat."

"I am not fat!" Niles objected, sucking in his stomach and sitting up straighter again.

"Well, I'm not average!"

"I regret everything," Fran groaned into her hands. She sat up suddenly and slapped the table. "All right. You both need to shut up. Miss Babcock, you're gorgeous. Every backer turns his head when you walk into a room."

"Mr. Sheffield doesn't," Niles remarked snidely.

" _You_ certainly do," Fran snapped, glaring at Niles, who quivered into silence. "Meanwhile, mister, when you actually put in _effort_ and wear clothes that fit, women stare at you all the time. I'm putting down 'D' for both of you." Fran wrote it with such gusto that the envelope tore slightly. Ignoring this, and the embarrassed faces of her companions, she pushed forth to the next question. "Question 5. How dependable are you? A. not very dependable or trustworthy, b. generally honest but somewhat unpredictable, c. dependable and honest and usually reliable, or d. very dependable, honest, and always reliable." Fran hummed as she considered her options but eventually settled on "B."

"Put down 'A' for Miss Babcock," Niles replied immediately.

Fran opened her mouth to try to squash the fight before it broke out but before she could, CC broke in, "He's right. I lie all the time."

Niles nodded, satisfied, while Fran looked at CC with something of surprise on her face. "Really?" she asked the blonde producer.

"Oh, sure," CC replied breezily, sipping her coffee. "When I came in here earlier? The children weren't even running amok. I haven't seen them at all today, actually."

"Then…why did you say it?" Fran asked.

CC shrugged. "I was bored. Anyway, put down 'A' for me."

Still a little mystified, Fran followed her directions and then turned to Niles. Niles glanced up, considering, but CC answered, "Just put down 'B.'" When Niles nodded in agreement, Fran wrote it down and moved on to the next question.

"Question 6. How intelligent are you? A. avoids intellectual pursuits, b. clever, but prefers non-intellectual pursuits, c. intelligent and bright and enjoys reading and debating, or d. very intelligent and loves intellectual challenges." Fran chuckled and wrote down "B" for herself then waited for CC.

"D," CC answered confidently and then stared at Niles, silently daring him to tease her.

He held up his hands in mock-surrender. "I'm not going to interfere with your delusions. That's Dr. Bort's job." CC rolled her eyes. "Anyhow, I do enjoy intellectual pursuits—"

"Suddenly plunging toilets is an intellectual pursuit," CC remarked.

"I'll say C for me," Niles told Fran.

"Staring at the magazines hidden under the boy's bed doesn't count as reading, Niles," CC pointed out.

"And you consider reading scripts written by high-school dropouts an intellectual challenge. What's your point?"

"I'd tell you, but I'm sure you have a debate to get to."

"I do. This week we're discussing whether or not it's legal for you to mark 'Female' on government forms," Niles retorted.

"OH MY GOD," Fran exclaimed. "D for Miss Babcock and C for Niles. Are ya done?" Fran waited for at least a few moments of silence to pass before she decided to continue.

"She started it," Niles said in a quiet voice.

" _I_ started it? You started it twelve years ago when—"

Fran dropped her pen and whacked both of them on their arms. While they pouted and rubbed the tender spots, Fran grabbed her pen and pulled the magazine closer. "Question 7. How athletic are you? A. generally inactive but occasionally plays sports, b. enjoys sport as a recreational tool, c. works out regularly and competitive in sports, or d. extremely athletic and loves physical challenges." Fran ruefully marked down "A" for herself and then looked at CC.

"I think—" CC began.

"Mark down D for Miss Babcock. Walking from the office to the kitchen counts as a physical challenge for her."

"Oh, listen to Old Man River throwing insults. Just because you built your childhood home by rolling logs up a hill wearing animal hide to protect you from the elements doesn't mean the rest of us aren't physically fit," CC retorted. " _I_ happen to have a gym in my building."

"Which you pass daily on your way out the door to the liquor store," Niles replied. "I work out all the time!"

"Heaven help the poor souls on the street who have to see you in bicycle shorts."

"I'm putting 'B' for you both," Fran cut in.

"Change it to 'A' for me," Niles muttered in her ear.

"I heard that," CC said.

"Replaced the batteries in your hearing aid, eh?" Niles asked. "Good for you."

"Question 8," Fran said, hurriedly marking down the answers and moving on to the next one. "How successful are you in life?" Fran sensed trouble as soon as she heard CC chuckling at the question, but she plowed on regardless. "A. has potential but struggles to get motivated, b. does well in the workplace but room for improvements, c. reaches most goals set for yourself, or d. drives to constantly achieve and very successful at work." The nanny marked down an honest "B" for herself and then turned to CC.

"D," she answered with confidence.

"You're certainly the most successful secretary I know," Niles quipped.

"I'm the executive vice president at Sheffield- _Babcock_ Productions," CC pointed out.

"And how often does Mr. Sheffield call it that?" Niles asked. CC's shoulders slumped a little and Niles nearly felt bad for her—nearly, for he could only imagine what she'd say _his_ answer should be.

"Put down 'A' for Niles," CC told Fran.

"I went to Oxford!" Niles objected.

"To what end? You should've gone to Lysol Academy and called it a day," CC retorted.

"I happen to reach most of the goals I set for myself," Niles informed her.

"Grabbing the right string to close the blinds in the correct direction 75% of the time doesn't count as a life goal, Niles."

"It does if you don't want the sun to wake you up at 6am!" Niles shot back. CC looked at him knowingly and then laughed when she saw him realize the argument he'd just made for himself. He slumped against the chair back and said miserably to Fran, "Put down 'A' for me."

Fran wrote down the answers and Niles and CC made accidental eye contact across the table. CC looked at Niles with what passed for sympathy from her and Niles just grumbled and looked away. "Ok, question 9. Almost done! How do you feel about traveling? A. homebody who enjoys vacationing close to home, b. vacations are fun but not essential, or c. can't get enough travelling even if unable to." Fran tapped her chin for a second before marking down "C" for herself.

CC thought for a moment before responding, "B for me."

Niles nodded. "It's true. She enjoys terrifying the natives of many different countries."

"And be sure to mark down 'A' for Niles. 'A' is for a homebody who enjoys vacationing when he doesn't have to pay for it, right?"

Fran sighed. "Niles, which is it?"

"A," Niles said. He saw a momentary look of triumph on CC's face and so he quickly added, "But _not_ because of whatever she said. Simply because I prefer staying close to home."

"That's cute because you don't even have one."

"Oh, why don't you go play one of those sports you claim to enjoy so much?" Niles snapped.

"Why don't you both play the Quiet Game while I tally up our scores?" Fran suggested, rolling her eyes.

Niles and CC settled for making hateful faces to each other while Fran matched up each person's answers with their alleged animal.

"I'm a peacock!" Fran exclaimed happily. CC rolled her eyes, unsurprised, and Niles listened patiently as Fran listed all of the qualities and attributes she already knew she had. "I'm beautiful, sexy, and uncomplicated. I love being the center of attention and accept criticism as a necessary consequence of being a peacock!" Fran preened and CC imagined, without too much imagination necessary, bright feathers sprouting around the nanny's head. The nanny continued prattling on and CC stared at the pattern in the table's tiles, yanking from her trance when she heard her name.

"Miss Babcock! You're a zebra!" Fran told her. CC considered it for a moment and then nodded with a smile, noticing that Niles looked a little disappointed.

"Can't make fun of a zebra too much, can you?" CC asked wryly and Niles nodded in rare agreement. "Ok, tell me about myself."

"Ok. The zebra: passionate, dynamic, determined, untamable, and impatient," Fran recited. "Those who come into contact with the zebra find it to be a powerfully loyal and intelligent friend. Its black and white nature shuns the gray zones of compromise and its decided idealism is incapable of accepting defeat in an argument. Close examination finds a subtle arrogance that pervades the zebra's personality." CC continued to smile happily at this description of herself, so Fran continued.

"Wild and untamable, zebras have quite an aggressive streak and their enormous self-confidence gives them an unusually swaggering gait. Quick to anger, a zebra's temper often gets the better of it and they are considered so volatile that even lion personalities will think twice before accosting them. However, they rarely initiate these confrontations and are peaceable and self-contained if left alone. Zebras have a tendency to view the world in black and white and have a strong sense of right and wrong. Unlike their horse cousins, they are unwilling to be saddled with the burdens of others and insist that everyone carry his or her own weight," Fran continued. "You can read more later if you're interested. It seems pretty accurate."

"Even _lions_ think before coming at me. Perfect," CC said, leaning back and sighing happily.

"Niles, you're…" Fran paused.

Niles eyed her and then snatched the magazine from her hands. "A _mountain goat_?" Niles exclaimed. CC exploded into laughter and even Fran gnawed her lip to keep from laughing.

"It isn't that bad. Read the rest of it!" Fran said, a laugh bubbling up halfway through her encouragement.

Niles glared at her and read aloud, "Average-sized, nimble, dexterous, creative, unsociable, and neurotic." He looked over at the nanny and remarked, "Oh, yes. That isn't bad at all."

"Keep reading, Niles!" Fran encouraged.

"Mountain goat personalities are very much loners," Niles read aloud. He eyed Fran, who gestured for him to continue. Observing the goings-on from their unique perch, they are consummate voyeurs and when mingling with other terrestrial animal personalities they feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. After brief forays into their world, they must return to their place of security." Niles sighed.

"Don't feel vulnerable, Niles. Keep reading," CC said faux-concernedly, her lips twitching.

"Balance is a critical component of a mountain goat's life, and they are moderate in every facet of their behavior. With conservative family values, their politics are middle of the road, and their even-keeled life has similar characteristics to that of their cousin the sheep. However, there's an air of eccentricity about a mountain goat. Nimble of foot and quick of mind, mountain goats are adept at extricating themselves from tricky situations. Usually, though, they're responsible for getting into these predicaments in the first place and have a habit of not learning from their mistakes," Niles read. He grudgingly nodded and continued.

"A creature of gossip, mountain goats subscribe to the rumor mill that includes tabloid magazines and TV shows in an attempt to better understand the world of the terrestrial personalities. They love to watch soap operas and other shows depicting the tumult of human relationships. Mountain goats themselves are not risk takers, though, and need to feel solid ground beneath their feet before making any major decision," Niles concluded.

He set the magazine down, closed it carefully, and then looked up. "That was stupid," he declared.

"I don't often agree with Nanny Fine but that quiz was eerily accurate," CC said.

"Oh, you're just happy that you got a pretty animal," Niles snapped, pushing aside the magazine and standing up.

"I am subtly arrogant enough to ignore that," CC replied airily, standing up and grabbing her mug.

Fran, meanwhile, sat at the table and stared at her hair in the back of a spoon. "I wonder what Mr. Sheffield is."

"A weasel," CC responded and Niles chuckled.

"I'll go find out," Fran said, grabbing the magazine and parading out of the kitchen.

CC rolled her eyes. "At least the peacock is happy."

Niles shrugged noncommittally and stuck his mug into the dishwasher. He reached over and emptied the carafe into the sink, rinsing it out before sticking it too into the dishwasher.

CC tapped her finger against the counter, more unsettled by Niles's mood than she'd care to admit. "Snap out of it, Butler Boy. It isn't that bad."

Niles sighed and untied his apron, pulling it over his head and mussing up his hair. CC couldn't help a small smile when she saw it. "It isn't bad, Miss Babcock, but it's awfully true."

CC shrugged. "I don't see the point in being upset about who you are. Accept it or change it."

"Spoken like a true, impatient zebra," Niles said, his face cracking with a half-smile.

"Exactly." She considered him for another moment. "Really, a mountain goat isn't too horrible. Everyone needs a little reliability in their lives."

"Even a zebra?" Niles asked.

CC smiled. "Even a zebra." CC glanced at the clock on the wall and widened her eyes. "I should go. I didn't realize how much time I wasted in here."

As she turned to leave the kitchen, Niles considered her retreating figure for a moment before asking, "I'm not sure about the zebra's feeding patterns, but zebras eat dinner, right?"

When she turned to face him, the wattage of her smile warmed his face. "Yes, they do. It's almost a daily thing."

"Maybe you'd like to have dinner with me tonight, then," Niles said.

"Who knew a mountain goat could be so unpredictable?" CC asked, her smile softening and appearing much more pleased.

"Indeed. Is that a yes?"

"I'll meet you in the foyer at 7," she responded before turning to leave the kitchen, thinking that perhaps her time spent there hadn't been such a waste after all.


End file.
